Struggles

Yesterday was one of those days where I wasn't sure which direction I was going. My nerves were raw. My temper was short. I was exhausted. I long for the day that I can just crawl back into bed and wait for the next day to come but I know those days are long gone. I need a break. I need a mommy break really badly. I have loved spending time with Michael but I now need a break. I need to be at home alone, not alone where I'm waiting for the first cry to come over the monitor signaling me that nap time is over.  I need alone time where I can sort through the chaos in my office as well as in my mind. Next summer it can't be about money. I need to be home alone some ALL summer and not just cram it into the last 3 weeks. The ironic part is that as much as I need to be alone right now, I desperately need people. Big people. Big, adult people who want to chat with me. I feed off other people's energy and this week was hard because I didn't see anyone except Philip all week. Oh, wait, we did go to his grandmother's house for an hour on tuesday but, again, little people were there.

I have a remarkable husband. Just when I think I might break into a thousand pieces, he tells me to go walk BY MYSELF. It was refreshing even with the downpour in the middle of my walk. He asks if there is anything I need to do BY MYSELF. Yes, there is, but I need to do it at home and that is impossible on a rainy day. Everything else requires money. I don't have money.

This summer was to be my quest for happiness. I guess I thought it would be easy to just fix the broken and/or missing parts and happiness would prevail. But it hasn't been that easy. I've realized that so much of my unhappiness is in my mind and there's nothing easy to fix about that. So we trudge on with bouts of happiness and bouts of despair but filled with love nonetheless.

Health

I've done an amazing job this week getting myself back on track. I've tracked my calories and cardio every day. I went over my calories 3 days, one of which was father's day and the other two days I only went over by 50 calories. I had a net savings of over 500 calories for the week. Weight-wise, I'm back down where I started the summer which is disappointing but at least I'm back on track. I looked at my weight chart for the last year and I've lost 13.5 pounds in the last year. I'm ok with that. If I lose another 13.5 pounds in the next year, I will be 1.5 pounds away from lowest weight ever! I'm going to do my best to journal my food during the school year as well. I think that will help me avoid temptations and at least maintain. I know if I just eat the same breakfast and lunch every day it will help me stay on track.

I was trying to do the ab challenge but my motivation was lost with the sit-ups. I could not do them as a kid and I truly struggle with them as an adult. My tailbone has always been a huge hinderance to me with various exercises. I can't do pilates without being in excruciating pain and it is the same with sit-ups. So, instead of completely giving up on the whole ab challenge, I think I need to modify it. I'm going to start Monday (tomorrow we are traveling all day so I don't even want to commit to that) and instead of just doing crunches instead of sit-ups, I'm going to double it. So the first day is like 8 sit-ups or something like that so I will do 16 crunches.

My further motivation is that I am now able to button and zip my size 12, pre-baby pants. Yes, they are like a second skin and the muffin top is unsightly BUT THEY ZIP! A year ago when I was going through clothes to give my sister, I could not even get one leg all the way in. Luckily they were too big for her so she gave them back. My dream has always been to be able to get back into my Eddie Bauer khakis. I love them. It was a dream to get into them in the first place so they are very special to me.

Today's tackles: Envy, Anxiety, and Health

So my post about envy today isn't quite what you would think of as far as envy goes. I didn't envy anyone but instead was more in awe. I think envy and awe are different. Envy is a want and awe comes with a jolt of respect. We went to the zoo today (yay! tackled you anxiety!) and while waiting for the sea lion show to begin, I was watching a couple with 4 kids, all girls. The oldest was about 5 or 6, then there was a 3 or 4 year old, and then twins who could not have been more than 3 months old. The dad was very muscular and you could tell he spent time in the gym. The mom didn't look like she'd ever had even 1 kid much less 4. They were each calmly feeding one of the twins while the other two girls ate a snack. They looked, no, they WERE calm. After feeding the baby that the dad had, he put her in the carrier and went and got himself something to eat (he took the carrier with him). You could tell they'd done this before. They had two double strollers packed to the brim with all the things they needed. As I watched them, I didn't envy them....I was in awe of them. Is it an innate personality trait that makes one calm in a situation that could easily turn bad at any moment? I, on the other hand, was constantly scanning my kids...who was going to bolt first....who was going to have a meltdown first....would we last until the show even began....and on and on and on with the uneasy silent questions. And the truth was that we only last for 5 minutes of the show. My kids didn't understand because I hadn't exposed them to that situation. Exposure. Exposure leads to familiarity. While at the zoo, Mathew willingly fed the giraffe even though when we tried to feed the giraffes in Tupelo, he wanted nothing to do with it. He was exposed therefore he knew what to expect. I've now been exposed to the zoo with my kids, so I know what to expect. I know Mathew is going to want to walk in his oh so slow pace the whole time. I know that my kids lasted about 2 hours so I need to not try to stay longer than that at this point. I know that Mathew listened well and stayed close to us. If he began to wander from us all we had to do was say his name and he came right away. My anxiety will be lessened with more exposure therefore I must expose myself (and my children) to more things. Lessen noted.

I ate like a pig today, didn't journal (YET!), but did walk and do my ab challenge. I keep gaining weight. I'm back almost where I started in March. I hate this. Two things I'm noting for next summer...I need to join the Y so I have zumba and I need to start journaling food from day 1 of summer vacation.

Can I start again?

Today was a challenging day. I was emotionally, physically, and mentally just not here. I could've crawled back into bed and laid there all day. It was definitely a day I wish I could've started over again. I started the day great with a nice long walk but my nerves were just shot today. I was short tempered and was too quick to spank. I didn't like the mommy or wife I was today. I didn't like the version of me I was today.

That being said, I met my goals. I did my ab challenge, I journaled my food and activity, I walked 2.5 miles, and I drank my water. I don't think I'm going to weigh myself for the next week and hopefully I will get a good surprise rather than the additional pound I had this morning.

I'm starting to feel a little anxious that the summer is flying by with me accomplishing much of nothing that is on my list. So, to remedy that I need to set a weekly goal of things I need to do. This week my goal is to finish the DVD's of the videos we have taken thus far. That is no small feat. I have 2.5 years of video from 3 different sources. I have to find and move and organize. And then I have to get the DVD burning/converting software to cooperate. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.....

Weight Loss...or rather gain

So I've gained 4 pounds since summer vacation started. What is up with that? My goal was to lose 10 pounds this summer and next summer so I'd be back at my pre-baby weight. I'm truly disappointed in myself. I keep blaming the weather...it rained all week so I could not walk but truly I have to blame it on the cupcakes and pie and lack of logging calories. The weather is supposed to improve tomorrow so I must too!

Goals for this week:

1. Walk 2 miles a day
2. Log my food, good or bad, into My Fitness Pal DAILY
3. Drink 64 ounces of water each day...not half my weight but doable
4. Eat Chia Seeds daily
5. Do my Belly Challenge workout

My children and my happiness

My Mathew is a needy child. I don't know if it is because he was a preemie or that we exuded a lot of anxiety in his early months. It may be because he became a brother when he was 10 months old. Maybe I just haven't nipped the needy behaviors before they got out of hand. Whatever the case, it is draining and I struggle to enjoy him. Michael on the other hand is a wealthy of joy. He's laid back and goofy and curious. He has dimples for miles. I can run around with him all day and he just goes with the flow. Did I do something different with him than with Mathew or is it just his personality? Either way I enjoy him and I don't enjoy Mathew and I hate that. It causes guilt and resentment and it has to stop. I've started, just this week, a couple things to try to stop some of Mathew's less desirable behaviors. He has a habit of whining for me to hold him and it grates on my nerves so bad that I usually just give in and pick him up. After an entire day of listening to kids gripe, I often have no more tolerance for it by the time I get home. Now that I don't listen to kids gripe all day because it is summer vacation, I have a little more tolerance for the lengthy process of ignoring him. But instead of just ignoring him, I told him that he has to say "please" and in a nice way, not a whiney way in order for me to pick him up. It is working. I now give him a funny look when he starts whining and he starts laughing and says "please".  And sometimes I ask him "please what?" and he responds "I want my mommy".  I truly don't mind holding him....I enjoy it the times I'm not doing it just to shut him up. So now that he is saying "please" instead of whining, it creates an enjoyable cuddle time. The total transition is going to take baby steps but I think we will get there by the end of the summer. I'm also working on doing "time out" with the boys. I've started doing 1 minute just to test it and to introduce the language. I need to get a timer this weekend and then we will go full force.

I've conquered my anxiety even more this week by taking the boys to the splash park. I did have a friend with me which helps with an extra set of eyes but I think we did well in such a public place. We are going to try story time soon.

I have dreams of fun summers and fun trips to visit my friends who live in far off places and the only way we will get there is keep trying new things!