Oh My!

I gained 3 pounds this week. I've been logging food religiously for 3 weeks now. I've exercised at least 6 days a week. I lost half a pound last week and then gained 3 pounds this week. I want to blame it on Aunt Flo but my usual is to gain the week before and lose the week of. I figured that was why I lost only half a pound last week. So, this week I think I'm going to try just paying attention to my hunger and to make good choices. I'm also going to eat smaller meals every 2-3 hours. I was losing weight like crazy the couple weeks before school let out and basically I was eating after every class so I want to see if that had anything to do with it. I'm about ready to say "this is my normal weight" and just maintain my weight and size. But to be honest, I really want to comfortably get back into my 12's. That's been my goal since I got pregnant with Mathew and I really want to be there  again.

I've started thinking about the school year and how I can keep up with my walking and possibly add other things. I usually stay at school just because I'm too lazy to go home and then go back out to get the boys. But that also means I'm never at home by myself. This has been a real mental/emotional problem for me. So this year I think that on Monday, Tuesdays and Thursdays I'm going to leave school by 3p and go home and walk or do yoga or work in my studio. Depending on how things go, I may even be able to drop the boys and Phil pick them up which will solve my going back out dilemma. But either way, I need at home time. That will still give me half an hour at school to clean up or make copies or whatever else I need to do before the next day. I am committing though to keeping up with my walking, even if it means walking after the boys go to bed. That's an option too.

I figured it out!

I figured out how to be happy! Or rather I figured out what the rest of the world probably already knew. See I assumed truly happy people were always happy....that life always functioned properly for them....that they never felt down. It never occurred to me that maybe these people weren't always happy but chose to focus on the good moments and  deal with the bad moments in a more positive way, or at least deal with and then let go of the bad moments. So, I started trying to turn the bad moments into good moments. If Mathew started to melt down, I started to dance with him. If Michael started to whine, I tickled him. It works most of the time and most of the time is pretty good to me. I do a lot of this when I'm home alone with the boys. Philip hasn't been around for a lot of it. Yesterday I was doing something goofy with the boys and Philip looked at me in a funny way and I made a comment about him not used to seeing happiness. My secret goal is to rub off on him. Philip is a half empty kind of person. I've also noticed that most truly happy people are half full kind of people. I want to be a half full kind of person and most times I am. But the more you are around half empty kinds of people, they tend to rub off on you.

My next goal is to nag less. I changed my behavior with the boys and now I need to change it with Phil. Often we are too short with each other or to quick to criticize. I'm so very much passionately in love with my husband but often the first words out of my mouth have something to do with something he hasn't done or something I feel I need to remind him about. I don't want my kids to grow up listening to us nag each other. I want my kids to see passion in our eyes when we look at each other. I want them to hear us laugh together. And when we fight, I want them to hear us fight fair.

Struggles

Yesterday was one of those days where I wasn't sure which direction I was going. My nerves were raw. My temper was short. I was exhausted. I long for the day that I can just crawl back into bed and wait for the next day to come but I know those days are long gone. I need a break. I need a mommy break really badly. I have loved spending time with Michael but I now need a break. I need to be at home alone, not alone where I'm waiting for the first cry to come over the monitor signaling me that nap time is over.  I need alone time where I can sort through the chaos in my office as well as in my mind. Next summer it can't be about money. I need to be home alone some ALL summer and not just cram it into the last 3 weeks. The ironic part is that as much as I need to be alone right now, I desperately need people. Big people. Big, adult people who want to chat with me. I feed off other people's energy and this week was hard because I didn't see anyone except Philip all week. Oh, wait, we did go to his grandmother's house for an hour on tuesday but, again, little people were there.

I have a remarkable husband. Just when I think I might break into a thousand pieces, he tells me to go walk BY MYSELF. It was refreshing even with the downpour in the middle of my walk. He asks if there is anything I need to do BY MYSELF. Yes, there is, but I need to do it at home and that is impossible on a rainy day. Everything else requires money. I don't have money.

This summer was to be my quest for happiness. I guess I thought it would be easy to just fix the broken and/or missing parts and happiness would prevail. But it hasn't been that easy. I've realized that so much of my unhappiness is in my mind and there's nothing easy to fix about that. So we trudge on with bouts of happiness and bouts of despair but filled with love nonetheless.

Health

I've done an amazing job this week getting myself back on track. I've tracked my calories and cardio every day. I went over my calories 3 days, one of which was father's day and the other two days I only went over by 50 calories. I had a net savings of over 500 calories for the week. Weight-wise, I'm back down where I started the summer which is disappointing but at least I'm back on track. I looked at my weight chart for the last year and I've lost 13.5 pounds in the last year. I'm ok with that. If I lose another 13.5 pounds in the next year, I will be 1.5 pounds away from lowest weight ever! I'm going to do my best to journal my food during the school year as well. I think that will help me avoid temptations and at least maintain. I know if I just eat the same breakfast and lunch every day it will help me stay on track.

I was trying to do the ab challenge but my motivation was lost with the sit-ups. I could not do them as a kid and I truly struggle with them as an adult. My tailbone has always been a huge hinderance to me with various exercises. I can't do pilates without being in excruciating pain and it is the same with sit-ups. So, instead of completely giving up on the whole ab challenge, I think I need to modify it. I'm going to start Monday (tomorrow we are traveling all day so I don't even want to commit to that) and instead of just doing crunches instead of sit-ups, I'm going to double it. So the first day is like 8 sit-ups or something like that so I will do 16 crunches.

My further motivation is that I am now able to button and zip my size 12, pre-baby pants. Yes, they are like a second skin and the muffin top is unsightly BUT THEY ZIP! A year ago when I was going through clothes to give my sister, I could not even get one leg all the way in. Luckily they were too big for her so she gave them back. My dream has always been to be able to get back into my Eddie Bauer khakis. I love them. It was a dream to get into them in the first place so they are very special to me.

Today's tackles: Envy, Anxiety, and Health

So my post about envy today isn't quite what you would think of as far as envy goes. I didn't envy anyone but instead was more in awe. I think envy and awe are different. Envy is a want and awe comes with a jolt of respect. We went to the zoo today (yay! tackled you anxiety!) and while waiting for the sea lion show to begin, I was watching a couple with 4 kids, all girls. The oldest was about 5 or 6, then there was a 3 or 4 year old, and then twins who could not have been more than 3 months old. The dad was very muscular and you could tell he spent time in the gym. The mom didn't look like she'd ever had even 1 kid much less 4. They were each calmly feeding one of the twins while the other two girls ate a snack. They looked, no, they WERE calm. After feeding the baby that the dad had, he put her in the carrier and went and got himself something to eat (he took the carrier with him). You could tell they'd done this before. They had two double strollers packed to the brim with all the things they needed. As I watched them, I didn't envy them....I was in awe of them. Is it an innate personality trait that makes one calm in a situation that could easily turn bad at any moment? I, on the other hand, was constantly scanning my kids...who was going to bolt first....who was going to have a meltdown first....would we last until the show even began....and on and on and on with the uneasy silent questions. And the truth was that we only last for 5 minutes of the show. My kids didn't understand because I hadn't exposed them to that situation. Exposure. Exposure leads to familiarity. While at the zoo, Mathew willingly fed the giraffe even though when we tried to feed the giraffes in Tupelo, he wanted nothing to do with it. He was exposed therefore he knew what to expect. I've now been exposed to the zoo with my kids, so I know what to expect. I know Mathew is going to want to walk in his oh so slow pace the whole time. I know that my kids lasted about 2 hours so I need to not try to stay longer than that at this point. I know that Mathew listened well and stayed close to us. If he began to wander from us all we had to do was say his name and he came right away. My anxiety will be lessened with more exposure therefore I must expose myself (and my children) to more things. Lessen noted.

I ate like a pig today, didn't journal (YET!), but did walk and do my ab challenge. I keep gaining weight. I'm back almost where I started in March. I hate this. Two things I'm noting for next summer...I need to join the Y so I have zumba and I need to start journaling food from day 1 of summer vacation.

Can I start again?

Today was a challenging day. I was emotionally, physically, and mentally just not here. I could've crawled back into bed and laid there all day. It was definitely a day I wish I could've started over again. I started the day great with a nice long walk but my nerves were just shot today. I was short tempered and was too quick to spank. I didn't like the mommy or wife I was today. I didn't like the version of me I was today.

That being said, I met my goals. I did my ab challenge, I journaled my food and activity, I walked 2.5 miles, and I drank my water. I don't think I'm going to weigh myself for the next week and hopefully I will get a good surprise rather than the additional pound I had this morning.

I'm starting to feel a little anxious that the summer is flying by with me accomplishing much of nothing that is on my list. So, to remedy that I need to set a weekly goal of things I need to do. This week my goal is to finish the DVD's of the videos we have taken thus far. That is no small feat. I have 2.5 years of video from 3 different sources. I have to find and move and organize. And then I have to get the DVD burning/converting software to cooperate. I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.....

Weight Loss...or rather gain

So I've gained 4 pounds since summer vacation started. What is up with that? My goal was to lose 10 pounds this summer and next summer so I'd be back at my pre-baby weight. I'm truly disappointed in myself. I keep blaming the weather...it rained all week so I could not walk but truly I have to blame it on the cupcakes and pie and lack of logging calories. The weather is supposed to improve tomorrow so I must too!

Goals for this week:

1. Walk 2 miles a day
2. Log my food, good or bad, into My Fitness Pal DAILY
3. Drink 64 ounces of water each day...not half my weight but doable
4. Eat Chia Seeds daily
5. Do my Belly Challenge workout

My children and my happiness

My Mathew is a needy child. I don't know if it is because he was a preemie or that we exuded a lot of anxiety in his early months. It may be because he became a brother when he was 10 months old. Maybe I just haven't nipped the needy behaviors before they got out of hand. Whatever the case, it is draining and I struggle to enjoy him. Michael on the other hand is a wealthy of joy. He's laid back and goofy and curious. He has dimples for miles. I can run around with him all day and he just goes with the flow. Did I do something different with him than with Mathew or is it just his personality? Either way I enjoy him and I don't enjoy Mathew and I hate that. It causes guilt and resentment and it has to stop. I've started, just this week, a couple things to try to stop some of Mathew's less desirable behaviors. He has a habit of whining for me to hold him and it grates on my nerves so bad that I usually just give in and pick him up. After an entire day of listening to kids gripe, I often have no more tolerance for it by the time I get home. Now that I don't listen to kids gripe all day because it is summer vacation, I have a little more tolerance for the lengthy process of ignoring him. But instead of just ignoring him, I told him that he has to say "please" and in a nice way, not a whiney way in order for me to pick him up. It is working. I now give him a funny look when he starts whining and he starts laughing and says "please".  And sometimes I ask him "please what?" and he responds "I want my mommy".  I truly don't mind holding him....I enjoy it the times I'm not doing it just to shut him up. So now that he is saying "please" instead of whining, it creates an enjoyable cuddle time. The total transition is going to take baby steps but I think we will get there by the end of the summer. I'm also working on doing "time out" with the boys. I've started doing 1 minute just to test it and to introduce the language. I need to get a timer this weekend and then we will go full force.

I've conquered my anxiety even more this week by taking the boys to the splash park. I did have a friend with me which helps with an extra set of eyes but I think we did well in such a public place. We are going to try story time soon.

I have dreams of fun summers and fun trips to visit my friends who live in far off places and the only way we will get there is keep trying new things!

My first gold stars

So as I sit here eating popcorn after I had a fatty hamburger for lunch and gained a pound and a half after 2 days at my mom's house, I do not get a gold star on the health management goal. BUT, I do get 2 gold stars on the anxiety and envy goals. Two of my great fears have been dealing with my kids overnight at someone else's house and having to stop in a strange place with both boys to use the bathroom. Both fears were faced this weekend and my anxiety level has been greatly reduced.

We went to my mom's house to try the spend the night thing. I want so much for my boys to be able to go spend weekends at her house to not only give us a kid free weekend (envy!) but to also give her some alone time with the boys. I realize the kid free weekend may be down the road a bit but we have to get used to staying and functioning at Mimi's house before we get there. Another reason this was an important step was that I have dear friends who live out of town. One of my closest friends just lives 4 hours away. We have stair step kids. 3.5, 2.5, 1.5, and almost 1. Plus, for now, she is a teacher too so visiting on school breaks would be wonderful. I'd really like to try our first trip to Nashville this summer. The night at Mimi's house went so well. Both boys crashed without complaining. Both woke up happy and didn't want to leave when it was time to go.

My second gold star came when Mathew started crying on the drive home. He had to go potty. I tried to blow it off and he forgot for a little bit but then started crying again. I decided to stop. We were only 30 minutes from home and he had a pull-up on but I knew this was something I had to do more for myself than him. I told him he'd have to walk because I had to carry Michael and for him to stay close so the cars didn't get him (I'm sure he will be on xanax by age 10....he kept telling the trucks not to get him). But he stayed by my side and we successfully used the nasty bathroom and purchased milk and a soda. He showed the guy in line behind us his sandals and his George. We have to work on stranger-danger a little bit.

I feel so much better after this weekend. I'm sure the extra vitamin D helped too.

Step One

Step One: Figure out the things that are keeping form optimum happiness.

So I don't want a lot of crazy rules but I do need to identify the things that are causing me to be half empty instead of half full.

1. Envy: I envy everyone who can go to the store easily by themselves. I envy people who can go on vacations. I envy people who can lay in bed all day and read. I envy people who can go out to eat in restaurants without having to take a zanax first. I envy people who spaced their kids births. I envy people with no kids. I envy people who socialize. I envy people who have family in town who routinely help with their kids. I envy people who have their kids in cheap daycares. I envy people who have kid free weekends. I envy people who enjoy staying home with their kids. I envy people who can run. I envy people who socialize regularly with friends.

2. Anxiety: I have anxiety about everything related to my kids. But mostly it focuses around two categories: parenting skills and leaving the house

3. Lack of Friends: I've been so busy raising kids that I've lost touch with my friends. I need friends like plants need water.

4. Lack of Me Time: I'm never alone in the house....EVER! And it seems that even when I get a vacation from school, a kid gets sick so I'm still not at home alone. But I can deal with this issue if I just had time to do the things I WANT to do and not the things I NEED to do. I need to be able to be alone and not just at Target in those minutes between school getting out and picking up the kids.

5. My health: I have pounds to lose. 15 to be exact. I have a really need and desire to become healthy, not just thin.

I'm sure there are more I will come up with as I flesh these four out but we will start there. These are 5 I think I can tackle in 9 weeks.

The What and The Why

"The Zentangle Method is an easy-to-learn, relaxing, and fun way to create beautiful images by drawing structured patterns.

Almost anyone can use it to create beautiful images. It increases focus and creativity, provides artistic satisfaction along with an increased sense of personal well being. The Zentangle Method is enjoyed all over this world across a wide range of skills, interests and ages.

We believe that life is an art form and that our Zentangle Method is an elegant metaphor for deliberate artistry in life." (zentangle.com)

Obviously, I didn't come up with the above statement myself but I also could not have written it any better. I want to apply this zentangle method to my pursuit of personal happiness. So, what's the first step? Start a new blog. I'm a visual learner, so blogging always helps me "see" the things i need to do.

The thing is...I'm not unhappy. But there are patterns that I've created in my life that aren't positive and aren't contributing to my overall well-being. I'm focusing more on the things I don't have than the things I do have. i'm talking (or rather complaining) about the things I don't have but I'm not doing anything to get those things. And, in the meantime, I'm missing out on the things I do have. I spend far too much time feeling sorry for myself instead of focusing on the things in my life that are worth focusing on. 

So, I've decided to begin a Happiness Project. And as per the above definition, create deliberate patterns that will lead me to the well-being I'm looking for. Interestingly, I've been thinking about this for quite some time. I've known I need to make changes but I wasn't quite sure how to begin. I knew I wanted a blog. That part was easy. Blogging is therapeutic. But I was still looking for structure. While at Target one day looking for my next book to read, i ran across Gretchen Rubin's The Happiness Project. I skimmed through a bit and realized that this would at least be a great start. Little did I know that I would be reading a book about myself. I often feel so alone in my thoughts but to find that someone else had my same thoughts and same stresses and same desires.....it was empowering to say the least. I'm only half way through with the book as I begin this blog but that is mainly because I read a chapter or two and I then need to really meditate on the information. I don't have a year to take off of life to focus solely on researching happiness as she did. I don't need to label things as much as she did and create as many rules. I just want to apply some of her principles and some new principles I come up with. I want to just create patterns and routines that are going to be more positive and lead to a greater sense of well-being.  I also know that if I gave myself a whole year, nothing would get done. I work better on tight deadlines. And I work way better the closer I get to that deadline. So, I'm giving myself 9 weeks. Not necessary to achieve incredible happiness and well-being, but 9 weeks to see a significant change in how I approach life and all that life seems to bring with it. 

I value comments so please feel free to comment and share your thoughts on your own happiness journey and/or comments on mine.