Struggles

Yesterday was one of those days where I wasn't sure which direction I was going. My nerves were raw. My temper was short. I was exhausted. I long for the day that I can just crawl back into bed and wait for the next day to come but I know those days are long gone. I need a break. I need a mommy break really badly. I have loved spending time with Michael but I now need a break. I need to be at home alone, not alone where I'm waiting for the first cry to come over the monitor signaling me that nap time is over.  I need alone time where I can sort through the chaos in my office as well as in my mind. Next summer it can't be about money. I need to be home alone some ALL summer and not just cram it into the last 3 weeks. The ironic part is that as much as I need to be alone right now, I desperately need people. Big people. Big, adult people who want to chat with me. I feed off other people's energy and this week was hard because I didn't see anyone except Philip all week. Oh, wait, we did go to his grandmother's house for an hour on tuesday but, again, little people were there.

I have a remarkable husband. Just when I think I might break into a thousand pieces, he tells me to go walk BY MYSELF. It was refreshing even with the downpour in the middle of my walk. He asks if there is anything I need to do BY MYSELF. Yes, there is, but I need to do it at home and that is impossible on a rainy day. Everything else requires money. I don't have money.

This summer was to be my quest for happiness. I guess I thought it would be easy to just fix the broken and/or missing parts and happiness would prevail. But it hasn't been that easy. I've realized that so much of my unhappiness is in my mind and there's nothing easy to fix about that. So we trudge on with bouts of happiness and bouts of despair but filled with love nonetheless.